Martybear (LXG)
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Directed by Stephen Norrington
Screenplay by James Robinson
Based on a graphic novel by Alan Moore and Kevin O’Neill
You know, I really empathize with Alan Moore. Here’s a guy—in my opinion, one of the best storytellers in the modern era—who digs down into his soul to put together these deep, complex stories that resonate in a very real way with people. Sometimes his storytelling is pretty bleak, but so is life; it has its ups and downs, but when you take it as a whole you can appreciate the good times all the more keenly for the tragedies you’ve been through.
Then the comic book inspired move apparatus in Hollywood finds out about these popular stories, sinks it’s claws into them, shoves then through a meat-grinder and craps out pablum.
When the description on the sleeve of a Netflix DVD says a film is “based loosely on Alan Moore’s graphic novel”, it can be understood that the movie is going to be one of these offending hack jobs. Add into the mix Stephen Norrington (a man who is best known for the vampire hack-n-slash adventure Blade, and to a lesser extent for tongue-in-cheek sci-fi/horror B-Movies) and you’d be well advised to watch this movie only with the aid of protective headgear.
The actual plot of the comic series being far too offensive for (what Hollywood honestly must believe are) today’s pansy sissy movie-goers, what we’re exposed to is a sophomoric romp into the realm of camp that will weigh much more positively with absentee soccer moms that rely on Hollywood to instill their children with a sense of moral rectitude than it will anyone looking to see The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen they read about in the comics.
And who are we relying on for this moral center? Tom Sawyer? Portrayed to snarky, teen-idol perfection by Shane West, his contribution to the movie and the story as a whole could best be summed up in one word: drag. I wouldn’t go so far as to call him the only source of wind resistance on an otherwise lovely, streamlined machine, either. This movie killed more careers than an ill-advised drunken Christmas party-orgy.
Granted, Sean Connery may in fact be the most over-rated actor in history. So you can imagine the gravity with which I say this movie drove the nail into the coffin of his career. Sure, he was the definitive James Bond, but that was forty years ago! I have very little desire to watch a 73 year old man try to be an action star. The only more obvious stunt doubles available to modern man were those to grace I’m Gonna Git You Sucka. Almost as tragic as the geriatric olympics was watching Peta Wilson’s last vain attempts to deny the dying of her own limited appeal.
Unlike most wretched failures that Hollywood throws up on the screen to separate you from your dollar, this one actually manages to pack in a couple of good points. It’s a very pretty movie. The visuals are grand, and firmly set the imagination in the concept of an alternate 19th century with traces of steam-punk influence, and evidence of a proto-metrosexual counterculture.
If action is your cup of tea, and plot is those annoying words between cool stuff happening, then LXG will be right up your alley. There’s monsters and shooting and explosions galore. Sure, for some weird reason there’s a bunch of British people talking about pounds and tea and the Queen and all that junk, but there’s a vampire chick that bites the crap out of people!
Review by Martybear