Slydon (Constantine)
Constantine
Directed by Francis Lawrence
Screenplay by Kevin Brodbin and Frank A. Cappelo
Based on a graphic novel by Jamie Delano and Garth Ennis
John Constantine is not your everyday “Father Damien” exorcist. We kind of get that gist when he calls a demonically-possessed girl an a**hole. He’s a damned soul himself—a suicide who was resuscitated, but not before seeing Hell. In the hopes of forgiveness, he uses the last years of his cigarette-reduced life to send as many demons back to hell as he can. Or, deporting them, as he calls it. The rub is that if he fails there’s going to be a lot of hungry fiends waiting for him when he finally kicks the bucket. You’ve seen this before in crappy police movies where a cop is trying to avoid prison for fear of running into all the goons he helped put away. It’s like that but in Hell, and even Satan himself wants a piece of him.
Minimalist actor Keanu “Whoa” Reeves plays Hellblazer’s protagonist—Constantine—a role I can’t fathom except when he’s punching demons in the face repeatedly. To I think of all the actors that could’ve pulled this kind of sardonic character off…. I can’t help but think Hugh Laurie from House, M.D. would’ve been perfect. Oh wait, he just punched another demon. Can Hugh Laurie punch?
The cast also includes Shia LaBeouf, who plays Chas Kramer—the “Mutt Williams” to Keanu’s “Indy”. Just replace the motorcycle with a crappy yellow cab. He’s kind of a wannabe who wants to do exorcisms like daddy Keanu, but just doesn’t have the angst. He even sits in his cab playing Keanu: The name is Kramer, Chas Kramer, a**hole.
Pruitt Taylor Vince plays Father Hennessy—a sympathetic boozing priest with big wonky eyes (he reads newspapers like Daredevil on LSD). Gavin Rossdale is Balthazar—a half-demon Jude Law who’s trying to take over the Earth with the help of Satan’s son—Mammon. And Satan disapproves!
Tilda Swinton plays the angel Gabriel. She is amazing as the androgynous archangel, bringing with her a very “David Bowie” vibe. If they make a biopic of his life, it would be almost criminal not to cast her. Jealous of God’s love for humans, he conspires to bring Hell and Earth together. She’s the only person in this movie with any acting chops, and it shows. She shifts from asexually hot (how is that even possible?) to downright creepy in an instant. It’s truly strange to see her in this movie with such an entourage of really bad actors.
Rachel Weisz is the female lead—Detective Angela Dodson—who’s investigating the death of her twin sister Isabel (also Weisz). Isabel had the ability to see demons and was institutionalized fir it until her alleged suicide. This, Angela has on her laptop as a QuickTime loop. Because her death was a suicide, the Church won’t endorse her funeral. Even considering her metal illness, a suicide is a suicide. This mirrors Constantine’s situation. As Gabriel puts it, “You’re fu**ed.”
The side story begins in Mexico, when a man accidentally comes across the Spear of Destiny—hidden years ago. This is allegedly the Holy Lance, the spear used by Longinus the Roman centurion to make sure Jesus was dead on the cross, or at least expedite the process. This brings about an arc I can only call “Mexican Superman”—basically an all-too-brief line of hilarious chaos and death between Mexico and Los Angeles. And he kills cows en masse.
Needless to say, we get treated to some entertaining “religious” paraphernalia, with “Holy Brass Knuckles” and some kind of “Crucifix Big F’n Gun” being right at the top of the list. Warning, those expecting a “Burly Brawl” (Matrix Reloaded) of Reeves vs. everybody, you’re going to be a little disappointed.
One of my gripes with this movie is the CGI. It’s expertly done in some scenes. For example, the burning landscape of Hell is phenomenally well-done; it looks like Dante’s Hiroshima. We’ll see Gabriel’s wings rendered beautifully for reference, and then we’ll see demons from some sixth grader’s Dungeons & Dragons sketchbook. Then, there’s the scene where Constantine fights a demon composed of crabs and bugs. It’s both stupid and hilarious, like “Virtual Jobe” from The Lawnmower Man. The possessed look like they’re pregnant with demon-face embryos. Inconsistency abounds!
Oh wait, we’re watching a Keanu action flick. Turn your brain down a few notches and enjoy. If you liked the Dangerous Habits story arc from Hellblazer, then you’ll probably like this, if only for Papa Midnite’s cameo. One last thing… watch through the credits for an oddball scene to cap it all off.
Review by Slydon