Slydon (LXG)
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Directed by Stephen Norrington
Screenplay by James Robinson
Based on a graphic novel by Alan Moore and Kevin O’Neill
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is an adaptation of Alan Moore’s comic about literary characters from the 1800s that form kind of a Victorian-era Justice League. I’d heard some disparaging remarks about the quality of the film, but, since I’m a steampunk fan, I thought I’d give it a chance. After all, Sean Connery is the only believable septuagenarian action hero this world has left.
The titular team consists of Connery as Allan Quatermain, the big game hunter of H. Rider Haggard’s King Solomon’s Mines, Peta Wilson as Wilhelmina “Mina” Harker from Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Tom Sawyer, Captain Nemo, Dorian Grey, Rodney Skinner (The Invisible Man), Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, and the leader, M., whose identity I will not spoil.
Certain liberties have been taken with the characters, particularly with Mina Harker. Instead of being cured of her half-vampirific state at the end of Dracula, she appears here as a full-blown bloodsucker. This fact provides brief moments that are both awesome and hilarious, depending on how much sugar you’ve consumed. I suggest lots—you’ll need it to stay awake at points, which is god-awful for an action movie.
The addition of Tom Sawyer as an American secret service agent is as dumb as it sounds. He’s more like Billy the Kid from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, but that’s not what bothers me about him. Seeing him as an adult looking disturbingly the same as he did as a child reminds me of poor Corey Feldman in Lost Boys 2 wearing his Frog Fatigues. They are adults and both look incredibly stupid wearing adolescent-appropriate clothes. It almost seems a direct challenge to make a secret service agent not look badass, but actor Shane West succeeds in making Tom Sawyer look as though he had been brain-damaged during those wild carefree days of literary yore.
Captain Nemo has a beard, some faux John Rhys-Davies stoicism, and… little else. Rodney Skinner might as well not be there throughout most of this movie as the Invisible Man. Dorian Grey as the immortal Polly Prissypants is annoying as boring as whale vomit. Mr. Hyde is entertaining, especially to those who are enamored with the phrase, “HULK SMASH!” Mega-Hyde is ridiculous, but again, HIT THAT SUGAR! The diabetes will be worth it, because you’re going to need the sugar rush later to compensate for some real crappy CG.
The baddie here is The Fantom, who is an obvious reference to the lead of Phantom of the Opera, although he seems more “Victor Von Doom” to me. He’s trying to start a World War and profit as an arms dealer to both sides. I like creative anachronisms in movies, but this feels kind of lazy.
Ooh, new technology is essentially a ’27ish Rolls Royce with an extraneous set of wheels!
Oddly enough, even bystanders on the street aren’t impressed by it. You’d think in 1899 a car would merit some attention, but no. Now, if it were some kind of wheezing steam-apparatus, well, that would’ve been cool. Something that would have utilized the tech of the time to make something awesome without going too ludicrously far the future. Instead, they chose the boring route—grabbing an existing car and then dumping New Jersey bling on it. I’m almost shocked to find no neon underneath.
New technology was also represented by The Nautilus—a giant Titanic-sized submarine that can somehow navigate the waters of Venice with ease. Physics? To Hell with physics! I would’ve liked to see some real, damn, steam-powered apparatuses and lots of ornate copper. That would’ve been impressive but believable for 1899. Instead, we got some crappy effects that look like they’ve been taken from a crappy Sci-Fi Channel movie shot in some random former Soviet republic.
When you’re watching a movie and you’re told someone is a turncoat, you know that person, almost inevitably is the most unlikable member of the ensemble. This is so the viewer himself doesn’t feel too betrayed by the climax, but it does makes the movie really, really predictable. I’m not going to provide spoilers here, but there’s a twist that would make M. Night Shyamalan groan.
The key to staying awake through this “action movie” is sarcasm. You’ll catch yourself, more often than not, MST3K-ing lines as they appear. Examples:
M: They’ve discovered these attacks are all the work of one man who calls himself the Fantom.
Allan Quatermain: Very operatic. (Rimshot!) And what’s in it for him?
M: Profit. (Phase 3! Phase 1, steal underpants!)
Tom Sawyer: That other agent I told you about was my childhood friend. (Oh Huck!) We were agents together until the Fantom shot him dead. Now you can be done, but I am not. I will avenge his death. (Sounds good, Mr. The Kid!)
In all, this movie is a turd. Again, it’s nice to see Sean Connery in an action role, trying to help us all rid that, ‘you’re the man now, dog’, line from our heads. But seeing him go all “Keanu” at times just doesn’t work, and neither does this movie. It’s trying to be something that it isn’t, and what it isn’t is good.
Review by Slydon