Master Jimmy (LXG)
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Directed by Stephen Norrington
Screenplay by James Robinson
Based on a graphic novel by Alan Moore and Kevin O’Neill
It’s not just a stereotype. Movie studios are the heralds of everything awful, the ruiners of quality, the dumbing down agents, and the bowdlerizers of good literature. Any why, you ask? Why for masses of ignorant people that probably wouldn’t be interested anyway, of course. If 20th Century Fox ever gets sick of being portrayed this way, it should just accept that it earned this reputation. I’ll bet studio executives cringe when presented with perfect examples of their incompetence, and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is just such an example. It’s an excruciating adaptation (or what apparently passes for one) of a thrilling collection of graphic novels penned by comic great Alan Moore. And the first clue things were not going to go well was splayed on the promotional materials, which were abbreviated to LXG. You know, because ever since Terminator 2 was shortened to T2, Hollywood truly believes that abbreviating titles is nothing short of visionary. Then in a statement which should send fans of graphic novels reeling in abject horror, James Robinson, the screenplay writer of LXG, said in an interview that he had trouble adapting the comic because Fox demanded from him that LXG be made kindler, gentler, and more American. If anyone from Fox is reading this, allow me to offer a bit of advice.
In the future, if you are looking for a screenplay that is kind, gentle, and American, the last place on Earth you will want to look is an Alan Moore story about Victorian England, you morons.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is the story of a group of super-powered heroes from the 19th-Century. The protagonists are literary figures from that time period like Alan Quatermain, The Invisible Man, and Dr. Jeckyll. It makes perfect sense to fill a comic with literary characters because, contrary to popular belief, reading a comic book involves reading, and people likely to read comics are also likely to read regular books. What a concept. As a testament to that notion, the comic was wildly successful. Films, on the other hand, don’t have that “only for kids” stigma, which is unbelievably ironic because it’s in film adaptations that high concepts found in comics are systematically removed. What we have here is something that masquerades as a fun film. It seems to have the ingredients necessary to keep things interesting and engaging, but I really hated the changes that were made to the original story. I’m not generally one to pine for closer adaptations, but it seems the writer set himself to remove anything that could have been of any interest to me. Screw kindler and gentler, I’m a bigger fan of cruel and savage.
Here’s the general gist of the plot. It’s 1899 and there is great unrest. When political upset is caused in a number of countries due to the appearance of advanced weapon technologies, such as tanks before their time, those of us with a few brain cells to rub together realize that someone is trying to provoke World War I. 20th Century Fox doesn’t credit us with knowing simple facts of history, so this is spelled out in the next scene. Thanks Fox, we idiots needed that. (Does anyone else besides me realize that this movie was targeted at exactly the wrong demographic?)
So, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is being assembled by the Queen’s agents, and putting this team together accounts for a mighty chunk of the movie. Now, because reluctant heroes are interesting, each member seems resistant to the idea. Unfortunately, this movie’s runtime doesn’t really allow for a half-dozen reluctant heroes slowly coming around, so we’re kind of rushed through the process.
Join a team? No, my place is here in Africa. Oh, I’m needed? Ah yes, well, okay then.
The clichés continue to pile up. The villain asks Quatermain to join him. “Think of the riches!” Yawn. Why do scenes like this continue to be used in movies, especially in a period film like this one where so much else could have been delved into? Setting this in the 19th-Century could have offered up tons of interesting subplots. For example, women were subjugated back then, but rather than an intriguing aside involving a capable woman trying to succeed in this world, we go to great lengths to demonstrate the tired old Hollywood adage that girls are better than guys. Then suddenly, and without any sort of “irony fire alarm”, the dainty vampire lady becomes an uncontrolled blood-lapping slut when feeding, and thus cinema’s unceasing interest in vampire whores continues, unabated. The Invisible Man never seems to pay the price for being naked for hours on end in sub-zero temperatures, and a twenty-something Tom Sawyer creates a tiresome father/son dynamic the comic got along just fine without.
Cinematically, the action is a joke. There’s zero tension from guns because bullets fly everywhere. It seems that every bad guy has a mounted machine gun with an endless supply of ammunition, but somehow in all that shooting no one ever gets shot. Why not? Most of the cast is immortal anyway. And the acting is god-awful. I mean really, one expects that the performances in a Hollywood craptacular will be less than captivating, but in some scenes people actually look on uninterested while their friends are literally burned alive.
So in the swing of things, LXG is business as usual for Hollywood, but as an Alan Moore adaptation it’s an astounding failure. Even those with diminished expectations looking for nothing more than the lowly specter of conventional entertainment, as Fox would have liked, will have to settle with the movie being unintentionally funny.
Review by Master Jimmy