The Weird Turn Pro

X-Men 3: The Last Stand
Directed by Brett Ratner
Written by Simon Kinberg and Zak Penn

Fair warning: I’m one of those goofballs that actually liked X3—a lot.  After the extended visit into Wolverine’s past in X2, we finally get back to the main plot.  This is not to say you won’t see a whole hell of a lot of Wolverine in this film, because you will—perhaps even more so.  However, instead of being a constant plot departure, people will have to be content with Wolverine simply starring in the actual X-Men story rather than being the story (or lack thereof).  In case we forgot since the original film, X-Men is an examination of racism through the fictitious race called “mutants”.  My strong recommendation is to watch the first X-Men movie before delving into this one.  Plot-wise, don’t worry much about X2; the only thing that happens in that movie which is relevant to this one is the death of Jean Grey and Magneto’s escape from his plastic prison cell.  Even Nightcrawler, the character introduced to such a delightful special effect extravaganza, doesn’t return so we don’t have to worry about him either.

We open to what could have possibly been an incredible misstep in the geek community.  We (the geeks) were promised that X3 would be one of the most extraordinary stories in the whole X-Men comic cannon: The Dark Phoenix Saga.  However, when X3 begins, we get Days of Future Past.  You non-geeks are going to need an explanation.  X-Men became ultra-famous mainly due to the popularity of the two story arcs I just mentioned.  Chris Clairmont and John Byrne were the writer/artist team responsible for both of them, and the stories were published one right after the other.  This is not just a tremendous moment in X-Men history, it’s a tremendous moment for all comics as a whole.  Days of Future Past was written as kind of a “cap” on the Dark Phoenix story; a kind of dark, distant future.  The two stories could have arguably been in the same movie.  It would have been a rushed movie, but what else were we supposed to think?  X3 begins, and the X-Men are combating giant robots called Sentinals which, in Days of Future Past, were sent to exterminate all mutants.  Hah, and you thought that “X-Men/Holocaust” analogy was just a product of my diseased mind.  Next comes the part where most of the X-Men are either killed off or herded into camps.  Seriously, that’s what happens in the comic.  And then…

OOPS, this is not to be for, just when things are getting good, the background fades away and the scenes are explained away as a Danger Room simulation.  What’s the Danger Room?  Well, if you’re familiar with the holodeck on Star Trek, then you know what the Danger Room is—a holographic representation of the enemy meant to help the X-Men practice their abilities.  I don’t know who thought of it first, but I’m too lazy to look it up and it’s beside the point anyway.  What I’m trying to say is, wow, the makers of X-Men have a lot of nerve—faking us out with Days of Future Past like that.  It’s almost criminal.

Well, we’re here for the Dark Phoenix Saga, so let’s get to it.  We realize right away that Cyclops isn’t going to have the huge role he had in the comic version.  How do we know this?  Well, because they disintegrate him.  That’s right.  They disintegrated Cyclops.  Bastards.  Well, this will promise us more Wolverine, thank heavens, because as we all know, Wolvie will be filling in.  I’m complaining a lot.  This is a good movie.

For the most part, the story is handled relatively well.  There is a lot to it, and it seems a bit rushed because many large story arcs are added.  Mainly, one in which a mutant known to suppress the mutant gene allows scientists to create a “cure”.  This is a very, very odd plot development, as it gives mutants a means to escape.  This gets Magneto’s panties in a bunch, and when the cure is put into a gun it becomes a lightning rod with which Magneto recruits people for his war.  Which I still say is weird because it’s not like the gun is a mutant killer, and mutants are given the choice of whether or not to convert.  Why would mutants fight a war of choice?  This would have been a much more effective plot had mutants been forced to use the cure, but Magneto’s group is supposed to be the bad guys, and this point is driven home heavier than ever.

This makes for a lot of groovy fight scenes.  We get some delightful, delightful things here: a face-off between Jean Grey and Professor X, great cameos from Multiple Man and Angel, Iceman in his actual ice form, Kelsey Grammar as the best Beast ever, and best of all, Vinny Jones as the Juggernaut stating in a heavy British accent, “Don’t you know who I am?  I’m the Juggernaut, BITCH!”  What the hell else do you really need?

Review by Master Jimmy