The Weird Turn Pro

News October 20th
I’M DOING WHAT I SWORE I’D NEVER DO.

I’m apologizing for the lack of updates.  Putting this page together involves quite a lot of time—something I have very little of lately.  I swear I’ll make time very, very soon.  For the moment, here’s a review I did of 300:

300
Directed by Zack Snyder
Screenplay by Zack Snyder, Kurt Johnstad, and Michael Gordon
Based on a graphic novel by Frank Miller and Lynn Varley

 “Spartans!  What is your profession?!” screams King Leonidas.  Behind him, 300 large, uncannily muscular and sparsely armored Greeks answer: “Huah!” as they thrust their long spears into the air.  That’s the movie in a nutshell, but it still somehow manages to be a decent film.  Perhaps it appeals to me in that Fight Club/Beowulf kind of way.  When the movie’s over a man could almost get away with beating his chest like a gorilla.

300 is a movie that is based on a graphic novel by Frank Miller and Lynn Varley, but let’s keep our bullet lantern shone at Miller because he’s largely the reason this was made.  After all, it was created right on the heels of Sin City—a gloriously violent film notable for its remarkable resemblance to the graphic novels they came from.  It proved Frank Miller can write a story that’ll do well in theaters without being “Hollywoodized”  Hell, if you want to see that, see Robocop 2.  No, this is the unrestrained Frank Miller of Sin City, and this time, Zack Snyder will captain the ship.

The plot is deceptively simple.  300 soldiers of Sparta will face off against the unending, oceanic army of Xerxes.  Getting there is a non-stop celebration of manhood, and if you’re the kind to look out for this kind of thing, there is so much phallic, Freudian imagery in every scene it’ll make your head spin.  If the oiled, massive, half-naked Greeks grunting as they thrust their spears forward doesn’t “grab” you, the long dialogs about the importance of “remaining hard” will.  Softness of any kind, they continually point out, has no place in Sparta.

Say what you want about this movie; it does deliver on everything it promises.  There’s a continual visual spectacle, brutal combat, horrifically detailed human grotesqueries, and not room for much else.  The actors of this film look as if they went through an unfathomable amount of rigor to create their flawless physiques, and then entered themselves in a movie that seemed to lend easily to camp.  It must have also been difficult to teeter on the edge of self-parody and never fall off the cliff.  Gerard Butler creates a monstrous portrayal of King Leonidas, and although he never quite nails that larger-than-life quality you get from someone like Daniel Day Lewis, he comes damn close.  The evil priests on the hilltop are gross, yes, but they are also snickering, lip-smacking clichés.  That’s okay because the real villain is Theron the traitor—expertly realized by Dominic West.

We are also subjected to some Hollywood mainstays.  The good guys are proud faithful fathers in nuclear families—in contrast to the sexual deviancy of Xerxes and Theron who we are clearly meant to be repulsed by.  It makes a moral statement about sexuality, and that’s a land mine in a movie which is, essentially, a walking penis in a film about Greeks.  Complex social problems can always be solved by a sword in the gut, and people with deformaties generally turn out to be evil.  But so what?  I wasn’t expecting this movie to defend some kind of moral code, only for a brainless bash ‘em up.  That I got.

Now, much ado was made about this movie’s historical accuracy.  Which was predictable.  Historians just love every opportunity to flex their brain muscles at us every chance they get, and sometimes they embarrass themselves by making their target a movie like 300.  Here’s the skinny: whether or not this movie is historically accurate is irrelevant.  Anyone looking to get a history lesson from Frank Miller would have to be a gigantic ass.  Anyway, what really happened so many thousands of years ago is mostly conjecture.  300 is as close as it ever really had to be.  What I want to know is where were these historians when Disney was slinging Pocohontas at us like a badly-behaving orangutang?  Those events only happened a few hundred years ago when we had a pretty solid, written history… and that didn’t stop Disney from entirely rewriting it.  Folks, leave 300 the hell alone.  It’s fine.

Review by James Scotto-Lavino

OVERALL: 3.9

(Acting: 4, Plot: 3.5, Visuals: 4.5, Wanchy: 5, WTF: 2.5)

WTF deductions:
1)    Boil-covered, disease-infected priest licks beautiful, young virgin girl. Not necessary or, in any way, enjoyable to watch. (1)
2)    Huge, fat guy with massive lobster claws for arms unintentionally hilarious. (1)
3)    Attempt to make Xerxes look inhumanly tall results in the one moment of clearly fake computer graphics. (0.5)

News October 13th
WHERE DID OUR HEROES GO WRONG?

Now that we’ve put sufficient time into the publication of the early Batman movies, we’re going to go in a different direction.  Have you ever gone to a superhero movie only to learn that what you saw on the screen IN NO WAY resembles the character you love?  Have you wondered, “What went wrong?”  ”Did the makers of this movie know this character at all?”  ”Or are they just miserable at adapting such a thing?”  Our next feature will go into all that with six new articles based on superhero misfires.  Stay tuned, this page will be up by the end of the week!

News August 23rd
BIG BATMAN PAGE STARTS PUBLISHING NOW!

Welcome to the start of what will be quite extensive coverage of Batman. We’ll start with what you’ve been waiting for: the podcast. Reviews are set to publish soon with articles to come throughout the week.

BATMAN
Hollywood has always had trouble deciding whether or not Batman should be serious or campy. In this podcast we discuss their various attempts at both while wondering aloud just which one we would rather see.

PODCAST

Download High Quality Podcast!
–> The Weird Turn Pro EP1 Batman

News August 16th
By the latest, AUGUST 21ST. Tune in for REVIEWS for all of the Tim Burton, Joel Schumacher, and Christopher Nolan films. We even have a review (or two) for Gotham Knight. NEW PODCAST ALSO COMING! We SWEAR. It’s recorded, edited, and ready to post. From here on out, no more promises we can’t live up to. I also have a secret way to get us to update more often:

Write to us at weirdpro@gmail.com. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. Just a quick: “Hey, we found your page and love the content. Keep them coming!” Just so we know you’re out there.

—Master Jimmy